oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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