Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
