You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
How external is "for external use only"?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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