but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
