you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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