Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
