so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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