Why are handjobs necessary in class?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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