found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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