Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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