it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
