We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
PANTIES FOUND
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