I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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