My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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