so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
