i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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