she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
