She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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