uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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