I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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