I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I want to fling myself into the sun
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
