He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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