she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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