My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
