thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
not ubering you a puppy
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
