sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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