I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
