If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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