i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
