it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you didnt know i had herpes?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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