I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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