Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
