I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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