Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
