I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
