My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize