Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
