why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
