i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
