The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
