I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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