She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
