i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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