youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
