She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
