when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
