Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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