I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
