Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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