I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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