You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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