Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
