In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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