I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
