well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
