I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
